Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Can I cry now? Can I stop being false in my actions and pretending? Can I just express myself and let everyone know what I feel? Can I stop everything from happening? Can I jsut run away and never come back? Can I just listen to music all the time? Can I stop hurting people who don't deserve it? Can people just understand me? Can you help me? Can you stop me from what I want to do? Can my questions ever be answered? Can I live this life anymore?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Does anyone listen to me? Am I really alone in this world? Can no one understand me? Because I can't. I don't know who I am sometimes. It's like I'm someone else all the time. Never myself. I don't even know who the real me is sometimes. I'm like Niki/Jessica/Gina on the show Heroes. Always a different person. Sometimes I can't remember some things. Am I totally different than everyone else? Why does everyone seem to find it easy to pick on me? Is it because I don't retaliate enough to hurt back? Because I can. I can start smashing your head into the wall, into your damn computer moniter and watch it break as you scream with glass sticking out of your head and me standing over you, victorious, laughing, knowing I had done what I accomplished. Sometimes I want this world I am in to be a dream. To be nothing more than just a dream. Most of the time I want my life to be like those on the shows and movies. Am I different? Am I special? Or is it just my imagination and I'm a no one...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I have to ask you, person to person talking, no tricks, no gimicks involved, no backdoor, straight forward. Why can you not forget something without having people coming down on your neck like your retarded or something? I got a phone call, from some neighbor named robinson or something, i dont know a robinson in my neighborhood, but if i did then i wouldnt know cuz i dont know shit about my neighborhood except it has russian corner and redneck central and mexican down there. She said something about asking my dad a Q and i was like he isn't here right now but call back and she said ok. Now when my dad gets home, i tentatively go up to him and tell him about the phone call. I definetly know what was coming, he was going to interrogate me. And guess what happened? Yep, he fucking interrogated me. But noooo he never does that to my brother, the fuck he should do that to me???!! and of course he tries to pry every info i know from me and what i dont know he tries getting out of me. I don't get it, seriously. I forget things, in fact i think i might have a memory problem when i grow up because i rmemeber watching csi miami on sat night, today is tuesday btw, and i couldnt tell my mom what it was about. I tried thinknig really hard what it was about but i simply could not remember. Now i dont know if that is jsut normal the way i forget stuff, but it happens everyday on all kinds of things and it really frustrates me. But the problem is is that my dad jsut cant accept that his daughter has failures and im not perfect. He thinks i have a good memory, good hearing, and the best brain and grades in the whole fucking world. Well guess what?? NEWSFLASH: I DONT. Im just a girl who makes mistakes and has some defects to me. he just doesnt seem to accept that which is bullshit on crackers, fuck that shit.